this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
