Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
