I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just puked most of my soul out..
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