I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My bed is full of blood and feathers
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
