Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
