So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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