I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
