everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
