I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
