does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
