Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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