Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
