No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
