Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
