I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
