dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
