Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
