1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
