please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
