Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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