You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
