wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize