yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
