put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize