that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
