someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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