Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
