it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He kissed a someone with a penis
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
