I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
