I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
