I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize