What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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