omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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