I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No subtext here. People are naked.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
