I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize