I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
