of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
