i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize