Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
