I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
