I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
