i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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