I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
