ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
