she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize