feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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