FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All I want is dick and wine.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
