Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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