Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
