you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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