Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
