I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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