i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
