would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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