dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
