i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
