I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
