So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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