Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
