I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
