i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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