That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
