Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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